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Posts Tagged ‘awesomeness’

How (And Why) To Grow A Beard

Tuesday, March 29th, 2011

“How do I grow a beard??”

Believe it or not, as a coach I get this question frequently. Okay, so I’ve got it at least twice. And maybe from the same athlete. But regardless, some people think growing beards is sweet. I tend to agree.

So without any further rambling, I present the Kieran Jones guide to beard growing.

1.       Shave your face. This may seem a little silly, seeing as you’re trying to grow a beard, not take one off, but it’s a mental thing. If you start clean-shaven, then everything else seems like an accomplishment, even if it’s not.

2.       Set some goals. What do you want? A moustache? A neck beard? Some chops? Handlebars? Google>Images that sh*t, and save the best one as your desk top background.

3.       Talk to all your friends about how sweet your beard is going to be. This is so you can’t back down after a couple of days of greasy fuzz and itchiness. If you tell people, they’ll mock your lack of nuts if you fail. And if you fail to grow a beard, your man (or woman, equality and all that) cred goes down the drain fast.

4.       Think really hard about hair coming out of your face. This is probably the most important step. You have to convince your face that growing hair is a good idea. It may seem slightly ridiculous, but trust me, all the best beard growers do it.

5.       Wait.

6.       Check mirror, run hand over face. Recommend you do this after 2 weeks to 1 month to see best results.

7.       Wear proudly to as many functions, events, weddings, semi-formal dances as you possibly can. There is literally no point in having a beard unless you’re prepared to show it off.

There you have it. Beard growing in seven easy steps. Do it and you’ll be a hero.

“But wait!” you cry. “Kieran, why would I even WANT a beard?”

Terrible question. But easy to answer. There are a few good reasons to grow a beard, such as:

–          Disguise. I recently picked my sister up from the airport. I had a two month beard. She didn’t recognize me.

–          General bad-assery. Think about all the big dudes in history. Then think about their facial hair. Abraham Lincoln: beard. Chuck Norris: beard. Josef Stalin: crazy moustache. Andy Newell: bearded on occasion. You think it’s a coincidence all these guys are legends and have facial hair? No. Think my four examples are weak sauce? Head over to The National Beard Registry for a few more. (Disclaimer: having a beard will not automatically make you awesome, but it will improve your chances.)

–          Protection. In the middle of winter, the beard performs the same function as a neck warmer. It reduces the amount of face exposed to windburn, frostbite, and people flailing their poles in the mass start at the Birkie. In the summer, it may be hot, but it protects against sunburns, and provides an extra layer of cushion for your face when you do the inevitable face-plant on your bike/rollerskis/running shoes/Razor scooter. (Again, disclaimer: FasterSkier is in no way responsible for your windburn/frostbite/stab wound/sun burn/facial lacerations while you are in possession of a beard. If any of the aforementioned happened, you clearly need a better beard. I am not a medical professional.)

So, there you have it – how to grow a beard and why to grow a beard. Do it up.